Um, hi.  Remember me?  Couldn’t, wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.  It feels like it’s been a hundred years since I posted last.

I got stuck in my head, lost in my own issues.  The longer I didn’t post, the harder it was.  Then, I got all over the idea that since it had been so long since I posted, I had to have the perfect post to come back.  As a recovering perfectionist, I usually try to remember that “done is better than perfect”, but that old demon is never far away.  And it jumped on me, big time.

This whole blogging thing has actually turned into a whole microcosm of my various issues.  In non-blogging life, one of the biggest struggles I have is that for my whole life, my only sources of self-esteem have been through achievement and by doing everything I can for others.  This latter idea is a real killer, folks.  Because I derive my worth from service to others, I got into the trap of thinking that if I wasn’t following and commenting every day on my favourite bloggers and those who were kind enough to read and comment on my posts, then I was a failure.  And the longer I let myself think these thoughts, the more intimidating and overwheming they become.

Instead of a pleasure and a joy, blogging had become a duty and I was shutting myself down.  I’ve also had this problem over at Dannan’s blog, but because it was “his” blog, I tried to power through it.  I was more successful over there — after all, I was doing it for someone else!  (How twisted the mind can be…)

I know that I have to get over it and move on.  Read when I can, comment when I can, and post when I can.  And not put all this crazy pressure on myself, or turn what is supposed to be an uplifting and fulfilling creative hobby into another anchor pulling me down.  And I have to stop apologizing all the time.

Fact is, I’m a (recovering) perfectionist and procrastinator.  (The two go hand in hand, if you didn’t know.)  I spend a lot of time stuck in the morass of my issues.  Chronic depression and generalized anxiety disorder often seem to take the starring role in my life.  I started to blog so that I could explore my inner writer and enjoy myself.  And I need to keep blogging for those reasons, for only myself.

I may never be a regular-as-clockwork blogger.  I may not visit all the blogs I enjoy all of the time.  I might not comment on every post I read.  But I’m going to release myself from the pressure of feeling that I have to do all of that.  (And of course, I’m going to have to keep reminding myself that that’s what I’m doing!)  But I do truly enjoy the writing that I’ve discovered, the people behind that writing, and the connections that sometimes seem to spark from our interaction.  I’ll do the best I can at nurturing those connections, without letting my issues hijack it as another stick to beat myself up with.  (With which to beat myself.)

I’ve been told that I over-explain myself, when there is no need to do it, and that it sometimes usually just another manifestations of my issues.  But I do feel that need to explain (working on it), and to be able to “get over it and move on”, I choose to make the explanation.  Here it is, and here I go.

(Therapy in action.  Don’t you just love how, once you start working on yourself, everything in your life turns into a therapeutic exercise?  Or maybe you don’t have any experience with that.  Please excuse the use of “you”.  Not pointing my finger at “you” in particular.)

That’s it for that subject.  I need to write, and I need this blog.  Thank you for your patience.

The other thing I wanted to write about is somewhat ironic, given the timing.  Just as I withdrew from blogging, the fabulous Jack, over at Slightly Off-Centre, gave me an award.  Way back on November 26th.

award-kreative-blogger

The irony is not lost upon me, I assure you.  Jack, if you’re out there, I’m sorry for not getting on this right away.  After all, it’s my first award here at The Muse Asylum, and it’s from a fellow Canadian whose blog is very cool.  Head on over and check her blog out, you won’t be sorry.  And I’m going to get back to being that Kreativ Blogger that you gave this award to.  (To which you gave this award.  See, I do know proper grammar.)

And Jack, THANK YOU!

There are rules to this award:

♥ List 6 things that make you happy.
♥ Pass the award onto 6 Bloggers you consider to be Kreativ.
♥ Link to the blogger who gave you the award.
♥ Link to the blogs receiving the award.
♥ Notify the recipients.

6 things that make me happy

  1. Dannan, my Little Brown Dog
  2. My family and my friends
  3. The sight of dogs playing together
  4. Crisp days where the sun is shining brightly
  5. Reading a good book
  6. Making a breakthrough in the work I’m doing on, and for, myself

I’m not going to send this award along to anyone, at least not right now.  I feel rather odd, receiving such an award when I’ve been so checked out.  I don’t feel today like I am able to pass it along, but I will someday soon.  And if I have any readers left at all, please consider yourself awarded!

That’s all for now.  I’ll be back soon, I truly will.

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