My mood is rather low today, after a low-ish kind of day yesterday, too. I’m hoping that there is some external that is causing it, because I don’t want to think that the honeymoon with my new med is over. And my head hurts. I am feeling exceptionally whiny and sorry for myself.

I’ve lost all motivation to do anything today. And I’ve got a list. It seems like as soon as I start a list (which I need because my memory is long gone due to my illness and the meds), I get overwhelmed and get bogged down.

I used to get some pleasure out of one of the major things I need to do (it’s not even ON the list). Now it’s just a chore. One that I keep avoiding.

Also, I can’t seem to be able to accept that my capacity for doing is so limited. My list consists of:
– a thank you email to my cousin, who has sent two lovely cards to me lately to let me know she’s thinking of me;
– an email to two of my very good friends, most of which I am planning to cut and paste from another email that I wrote a couple of weeks ago;
– an email to a colleague who has offered to help me with whatever I need in preparing for the SPCA AGM at the end of the month. There’s not a lot he can do, but I surely appreciate his offer. And I have been procrastinating all week about sending him a thank you. A friggin’ thirty-second email.
– a reminder that I need to work on my ongoing list of highlights from the past year at the SPCA for my report;
– three things that I’ve done and already crossed off the list; and
– not actually on the list but in my mind, the need to go around to the blogs of all of Dannan’s blog followers, which I haven’t done since before Christmas. They are all such supportive and kind people. I used to really enjoy reading these blogs and commenting. Now, it seems like so much work that I can’t even bring myself to start. There are about 100 blogs by people that follow Dannan’s blog, and I have tried to chip away at the list. But because people update their blogs fairly regularly, as soon as I take ten off my list (as in, I’ve commented recently on them), they update and I believe I have to put them back on the list. It seems like I never make any progress. And none of these blogs include the ones that I follow that don’t have anything to do with dogs. Like the readers I have (or at least used to have) here. I don’t get to them, either, even though I want to. Just trying to put up a post now and then seems beyond me, most days.

So, with the exception of the guilt I feel around the whole blog thing (which isn’t even actually ON my to-do list), my list isn’t objectively overwhelming. It would take hardly any time at all to do the three emails. I just can’t get myself to do it. Case in point: this post; I had no intention of posting today, let alone a whining, poor-me post. But I decided to do it anyway, instead of what’s on the list.

But back to the point about my capacity for doing. I am still at the point where I refuse to accept that maybe having three simple emails to do is too much for me. I mean, seriously. How pathetic is that? Have I really become a person who can’t have anything to do? A person who can’t function with any tasks or responsibilities? I cannot accept that. I have spent my whole life doing. And doing a hell of a lot, a lot of it at the same time. And now I’m crying. Hell.

If this is a part of my True Self, I’m in trouble. I don’t know that I will ever accept and make peace with this. I’m going to go cry for a while. Dammit.

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