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thursdaythirteenfall

This week, I thought I’d list thirteen lyrics from Matchbox 20 that speak to me.  And sometimes could speak for me.

(This is a very self-indulgent post.  Forgive me?)

1.  From Real World:

“Please don’t change, please don’t break
The only thing that seems to work at all is you
Please don’t change, at all from me
To you, and you to me.”

2.  From Could I Be You?

“You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can’t even start to feel mine”

3.  From Unwell:

“All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something…”

4.  From Kody:

“I don’t sleep that good anyway
If you’ve never heard the silence, it’s a God awful sound”

5.  Also from Kody:

“So please hand me the bottle, I think I’m lonely now
And please give me direction, I think the hurt sets in
And I don’t feel nothing”

6.  From Mad Season:

“I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out – I’m a child and I’m hopeless
Bleeding and broken – though Ive never spoken
I come undone – in this mad season”

7.  From Angry:

“And instead of wishing that it would get better
Man you’re seeing that you just get angrier”

8.  From Bent:

“If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
And if I need some of your love again
Give me more than I can stand
When my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I’ll smile again”

9.  Also from Bent:

“Can you help me
I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together”

10.  From Dizzy:

“And inside…there’s no labels
And inside, I try I try I try, try to clear my head
And outside…the rain is drying
And inside, we’re dying”

11.  From Long Day (long quote):

“I’m sorry ’bout the attitude
I need to give when I’m with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I’m so
Terrified of no one else but me
I’m here all the time
I won’t go away
It’s me, yeah I can’t get myself to go away
It’s me, and I can’t get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn’t feel this way

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It’s been a long day, always ain’t that right”

12.  More from Could I Be You?

“Well now, you’re laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight?”

13.  More from Unwell (which sometimes feels like my theme song):

“But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me”

(See?  Very self-indulgent.  Next week will be more upbeat, I promise.)

Go to the hub for Thursday Thirteen!

A.M., I spend a lot of time thinking about this song.  And today, I am also thinking of you.

Unwell by Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell

I totally stole this one from Fond of Snape, who posted it last week.  Go see her answers here;  they are totally worth checking out!

1. If I were a liquid I’d be… cool, crisp, and clean water.

2. If I were a sin I’d be… sloth.  Me on the couch with my laptop in front of the t.v… any questions?  🙂

3. If I were a gem/stone I’d be… a grey stone made smooth by the river constantly flowing over it.

4. If I were a metal I’d be… copper.  Just because I really like it!

5. If I were a tree I’d be… a redwood.  Standing tall against all the storms and winds, no matter how hard they try to blow me down.

6. If I were a flower I’d be…a wildflower, one of those bright and colourful flowers you stumble upon somewhere unexpected.

7. If I were weather I’d be… a cool breeze on a hot day.

8. If I were a color I’d be…lavender;  a bit mysterious, a bit emotional, soft and cool.

9. If I were a sound I’d be…the sound of rain drops falling on the roof at night.

10. If I were a lyric I’d be… “Reach down your hand in your pocket / Pull out some hope for me / It’s been a long day, always…” Matchbox 20, Long Day. I’ve been borrowing hope for quite a while…

11. If I were a scent I’d be… vanilla.  Homey, but a little bit sexy at the same time.  😉

12. If I were a piece of clothing I’d be… a long summery floral cotton dress.

13. If I were one of the 4 seasons I’d be… spring, because I’m on my way to a personal rebirth.

More Thursday Thirteens

That’s one of my favourite Matchbox 20 songs.  Okay, I love all the Matchbox 20 songs.  And that song really has nothing to do with what I’m going to type.

Thanks to everyone who posted during the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, and everyone who posted supportive things after my last therapy session.  I’m gradually catching up on things, but I might not reply to all the comments made last week.  I usually like to reply to all the comments I get, but that just might not happen.  Thanks to everyone, though, for reading and sharing.

So, Tuesday was a bummer of a day.  Therapy is hard work.  Sometimes, it really hurts.  Tuesday was one of those brutally painful days for me.  Neither The Counsellor nor I thought we’d end up where we did.  I didn’t even know that what we found was in there.  One of the things we learn about in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is core beliefs.  Here is one way to describe what a core belief is (from mentalhealth.net):

Core beliefs are fundamental assumptions people have made that influence how they view the world and themselves. People get so used to thinking in these core ways that they stop noticing them or questioning them. Simply put, core beliefs are the unquestioned background themes that govern depressed people’s perceptions. For example, a depressed person might think “I am unlovable” or “I am inadequate and inferior” and because these beliefs are unquestioned, they are acted upon as though they are real and true.

So I found out that I had a core belief that I didn’t even suspect that I had.  I’m not going to go into it;  suffice it to say that it totally threw me for a loop.  A painful, icky loop.

However, the fact that it’s there explains a lot about my life to date.  And while I feel like I’ve poked a big monster in the eye with a stick, I’m going to keep working on it.  I know that it will probably really hurt and be really hard, but let me tell you this:  if I can change this core belief, then I can change my life.  Seriously and truly change my life.

The Counsellor is a very gentle and supportive guy, and he lets me call stop when we hit something I’m not ready to deal with.  It’s a safe place to work with him, and when I said that I didn’t want to go any further, he accepted that and we stopped.  He’d always told me that we’d work at my pace, and to let him know if I wasn’t ready, but I’d never tested that before.  I trusted him before, but it’s always nice to have trust proven when you’re dealing with bits and pieces of the mind and soul.

So I’m going back, and we’ll continue to explore this new bugaboo we’ve discovered.  At my pace, which might not be fast, but I will get there eventually.

Just wanted to let you all know that I’m back on my feet, and feeling positive again today.  Back to good.

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